Beware of gnome

In a fit of pain-induced (and medication resistant) insomnia, I started a blog project on Blogger entitled "Adventures of a Part-Time Wheeler."  On some level, the name is premature as I just got my manual wheelchair script in the mail this afternoon when I got off work, but it's a project that'll give me a public space to interrogate my journey to this point with pain, illness, injury, and disability, the choice to pursue an official prescription, and how this all is going to feel as a PhD student in kinesiology (compounded by my fat body that was already disabled pre-fracture).

parttimewheeler.blogspot.com/

Feel free to pass it around.  Some of it is going to be raw, some of it will likely be stream of consciousness (something that you all are familiar with on my LJ anyhow), some of it may be overly academic or scholarly (queer theory, feminist scholarship, crip theory, etc), but I expect that it'll be interesting.  I'm finding that writing about my experience is not only cathartic, but it's easier to call myself out on some internalized phobia & stigma...like how much of my former body acceptance was precariously balanced on my identity as an active/athletic/dancing fattie.

Next post is going to be less about my wheelie-ness and more about how I "failed" water aerobics.  And by "failed," I mean how I didn't listen to how unstable my spine felt bouncing in the water and pissed my spine off so badly I could barely walk.  On a plus note, that new pool is beautiful :-P

((hugs)) to you all...I'm hoping I actually sleep tonight...last night I maybe got 2 hours of interrupted sleep because of pain, despite doubled up Vicodin + Flexeril + ibuprofen.  Tonight, same thing + melatonin + warm milk + sleep deprivation :-)

Edited to fix link

Current Mood: pensive

So yeah...it's official.  I have my admit letter stating that I will be working with Dr. J on my PhD in sociology of kinesiology :-)  Hooray!  Also, thanks to everyone that said congrats here, on FB, on Twitter, et al ad nauseum.  Thank you for all the support, even if that's just saying ((hugs)) on my random posts around the interwebz.

I'm at work all day today, and trying to find the brain cells to do some writing on my final project and tweak a conference paper for a class assignment.  On May 4th, so 3 weeks from right now, I will be graduating with my Master of Arts in Women's and Gender Studies with a self-designed concentration in Gender and Health.  It's been a long three years, but I don't regret it.  There are some things that have happened that make me glad I spent the extra year here...like developing more of a relationship with Dr. J...which probably contributed to be getting in the Kinesiology PhD program.

In spine news, it's pretty bad.  I'm having days where my legs feel really weak....almost fell in the Target parking lot two weeks ago because I was being too stubborn to use my wheelchair.  Electric nerve pain down my legs (and sometimes just in my big toe, which feels just odd).  Varieties of pain from "it feels like a horse kicked me in the pelvis" to "wow, please pull that knife away from my spine."  My "good" spine days are fewer and fewer, and I'm using more vicodin to get through life.  I told my ortho NP about this, and she asked if we needed to change medications...I gave her a wonky answer that was pretty much "maybe, I don't know, I'm scared to change meds at this point in the semester."  I'm learning to be more functional on vicodin, but the double-edged sword is that it's not helping me sleep as well as it used to.  Last night I laid awake in pain, trying to find a position that wasn't causing electrical feelings down my legs or spine pain.  I got up at 2:30am and despite the "every 12 hours" on the flexeril (a muscle relaxant), took a second one even though I took the first at 11pm (both times with vicodin, which is prescribed as every 6 hours).  Woke up before my alarm at 7:30am....something I never do unless I'm in pain.

Related to pain, I've been taking this "healthy back and spine" yoga class for the past four weeks.  A lot of people with back injuries (most notably Dr. J and one of her colleagues that I've also taken classes with) have found it to be amazing.  I love the instructor, but I think the class might be doing more harm than good.  I've cried after all but one class, and have been in excruciating pain after every one.  I'm really at a loss...I love being active, but everything hurts me.  It's sad when a gentle yoga class causes the same amount of pain as Crossfit :-(  On top of that, I feel that as a kinesiology scholar, I should have something that I do on a regular basis for exercise....but what the hell am I supposed to do?

Well, enough ranting.  Back to "official" writing....gotta try to get something done today while it's quiet at work...

Current Mood: drained

I've been accepted into my university's PhD program in sociocultural studies of kinesiology!!  I get to keep doing scholarly work about disability, fatness, gender, & sport/exercise!!  Hooray!

I'll post the rambling about everything else later :-)

Current Mood: ecstatic

(this is a bit rambly...just fyi)

As a class "exploration" assignment, I decided to do a little multitasking.  I decided to do an analysis of pain discourse in a "health back and spine" yoga class that was being offered at a local studio...and the multitasking was that I would hopefully either benefit from the class or decide it wasn't for me.  I was in a decent amount of pain before the class, and the day before I could barely function (it took 5 minutes for me to get up the one flight of stairs to my apartment...I was sobbing from pain).

Well, the instructor was great (and her response to my list of anatomy/physiology/health concerns was "Don't worry, I'm not scared").  The class used this thing called a Yoga Wall, which was a wall that let you hook various straps into to modify poses.  This was pretty cool as it allowed a person to focus on the different parts of a stretch (we did mostly Down Dog variations with it).  We even did an inversion-type thing....feet on the wall, body held in a padded sling across the hips, with upper body just hanging.  Since I warned the instructor that I'm hyperflexible and have sprained or strained most of the joints in my body, she wasn't surprised when I was in an overextended place in a pose...and I ended up with the nickname "bendy girl" because of it.  Also, everything hurt that day, but not in a "OMG stop this NAO" way, so I kept going with all the poses. 

We get to my least favorite part of a yoga class, savasana or corpse pose.  This has not been a comfortable pose for me for as long as I've done yoga.  It hurt my back to lay like that (even with knee bolsters) before I broke it, before the degenerating disc (maybe not before the spondylolysthesis as I've probably had that for at least 10 years in hindsight).  I tried to get comfortable with bolsters and blankets.  I got into a position that I thought I could at least tolerate...but was wrong.  I just started to cry.  Thankfully, not wracking sobs or anything, but a stream of waterworks.  I managed to stop crying and wipe away the tears before the instructor came up to me.  I both desperately wanted to hide that I had cried and to let her know that I had cried....pure ambivalence.  I told her that I enjoyed the class (which was true), and that I would probably be back for the next one (which will be tomorrow afternoon).

I learned more about what the "normal" screwed up back looks like (tight hamstrings, flat back) and how I deviate from that (making my hamstrings tight pulls the pressure off my hyperextended spine).  I'm so frustrated that I can't physically do the things that actually make my back hurt less (heavy weight lunges and squats that make my hamstrings get majorly sore for days).  The yoga studio offers yoga PT that I might try as long as it's not too expensive.  Maybe that'll help...

I'm frazzled and fried, and I'm having trouble doing research for two big projects at once.  I have a draft of my culminating project due on Friday, and I'm still really wonky with the epistemology/theoretical framework part.  I still have a lot of data analysis to do...and I think my dept chair is right that this could be a full on dissertation...so I'm trying to make sure it's a 25 page project, not much more, and definitely not less. 

The other project is my conference presentation, and my panel was just asked for a draft of our papers.  Well, mine is still in the planning stages as I seem to do the best work at the OMG almost due procrastination stage (or when I have violent intestinal issues...which is messed up).  The presentation is about the American tv show Dancing With The Stars, and this is my plea for help:

• I'm looking for popular articles (print or online) about the show.  More specifically, disability, fat, queerness, trans-, race, ethnicity, anything.  Anything.  Bonus cookies for intersectionality (as it's looking like most of the contestants have only one "ticky box of diversity" (like all the queer people are white...but I need to make sure that's right throughout the 13 seasons).  I'm trying to see how bodies are framed in how people talk about the show (because I realized that my pain level makes actually watching and analyzing tv really difficult).

Current Mood: nervous

• Some day I'm getting this pull up bar...and buying latex bands so I can do assisted pull ups at home.  Also, the thought of hanging upside down from that sounds like it would take some pressure off poor L5.
• Groupon had a $15 for $30 of equipment at Play It Again Sports.  I might buy more dumbbells (as that seems to be my primary exercise tool these days), or maybe a barbell
• The weather is so nice today (about 70F).  Hard to believe we had snow on Sunday/Monday, and the University opened 2 hours late because of inclement weather
• Had a rough day at work yesterday compounded by pain compounded by me getting pissed off at Jon.  I was pretty snippy with him...I had reasons for snapping, but he didn't deserve the raw anger that was in me.  I'm stressed with school, work, and health crap, he's stressed with money issues (the job market is crap here, but in my angry head I felt like he wasn't looking for a job).  I'm wondering if I should see if I can talk with a therapist or counselor on campus, but I don't want to have someone freak out when I tell them things like "sometimes the thought crosses my mind that life would be easier if I was paralyzed if it would stop the pain."  I'm also afraid to tell my orth NP that I'm depressed/angry with the pain...also afraid to tell her that the dose I'm on isn't cutting it anymore.  This is complicated by the fact that my insurance hasn't paid their part of my last visit (or maybe two visits), so now I owe $200 asap.  Frag.
• I told myself that I would consider getting cable when my Netflix dvd queue was empty.  Guess what?  I'm down to 12ish dvds on there, and 2 are also available on Instant.  Looks like I might be calling Time Warner to see about a cable deal.  Also...because I want to watch decent coverage of the Summer Olympics :-)

Current Mood: contemplative

I subscribe to Medscape medical news updates....they're sometimes interesting, and once in a while I find something that is personally relevant to my complicated medical crap.  So the other day I found a piece about growth hormone deficiency. 
( GH stuff, interesting new finds, and a scary connection )

Current Mood: awake

After work on Friday, I saw the campus general practitioner.  He moved my leg, pushed and pulled things, poked around....he said either a sprain (without naming a ligament...bwah??) or torn meniscus.  He gave me a prescription anti-inflammatory, told me to use crutches, ice it, and see the sports medicine doc.  Sports med doesn't have any appointments until Thursday.

In the meantime, I'm being somewhat compliant with the crutches (because one legged crutching hurts my back) and I used my wheelchair for a grocery trip (yay for sometimes being smart).  Based on how it hurts (changing pain levels based on what I'm doing, specific sensations of pain, discomfort, and "fullness"), I'm leaning towards torn meniscus.  It has some very similar qualities as when I fell off a ladder working at Target 6ish years ago and tore cartilage in my other knee (I think it was the other one...I can't remember...but hopefully I either have the medical records at home or can check old LJ entries).

Frag.

My insurance is awful and is going to have serious issues paying for an MRI if they want one.  They'll also have serious issues paying for surgery if that's what's needed for this.  I have problems with knee braces based on my knee to thigh thickness ratio (seriously, who makes those damn things?  I know I have big thighs, but how many people are straight up and down in the leg?).  Anyhow...hell.  I think I'll be canceling my Crossfit membership at least until this clears up....between my spine and my knee, I really can't see what I can do other than presses.  CF is about whole-body, functional fitness...which means there are very few upper-body only things that happen.  Grrrr.

On a happier note, looks like I got an A- in Soc of Sport/Exercise and probably an A in Psych of Sport/Exercise....good semester :-)

Current Mood: cranky

I was pretty gentle on myself last night at Crossfit (wow, that seems like an oxymoron).  I did 500m on the rower gently (enough to break a sweat and feel more limber), then did my DL sequence without a problem....which shouldn't have happened if my hamstring was pulled.  Interesting....

Went to the squat rack to do back squat progressions.  The first warmup set was not happy, but not awful (60lbs I think?).  I kept going because I wanted to see exactly what issues I was having biomechanically, and to see if anything changed or got worse.  I got to the second to last set and felt my knee be a little unstable (115lbs?).  Racked the last set for 135lbs.  First squat, not great but my form was off.  Next two were better form and felt ok.  Fourth squat I was too far forward and having knee pain.  Fifth squat, got down, then almost got stuck in the hole.  Coach saw me and started cheering me on, then told me to rack the weight.  He then told me that my knee was too far forward.  I explained my knee observations....he said ice and ibuprofen. 

So...I'm pretty sure I don't have a pulled hamstring but some sort of knee ligament sprain.  My knee feels squishy on the inside and sometimes feels unstable.  I've never sprained anything in my knee other than my MCL, so I'm not sure what to make of this.  I really don't want to go to Student Health Services, partially because it's been a week since I injured it and partially because the staff tend to look at me through the lens of the stereotypical fat person.

Feh.  I think my boss thinks I'm the biggest klutz.  I injure myself easily because I'm hypermobile and my hypopituitarism stuff makes it hard for my body to heal properly....but I don't feel that I should have to give my medical history to everyone.  She keeps telling me that I should find more gentle exercise to do....but you know, when every form of exercise hurts, I'm going to pick the one I enjoy...assuming I'm not hurting too bad to move.  I'll see how the healing goes on this.  Bah.

Current Mood: confused

I did go to CF last night.  Got there a bit early because my boss let me go early in exchange for her taking a really long lunch break during my shift :-)  I did a really gentle warm-up on the rower, then stretched out.  Class started with squat clean progressions with a pvc pipe (no weight).  Then to the bar (I used the 35lb bar) to do progressions (fancy way of saying breaking down the key components of the lift).  We then grabbed the lift spreadsheets the owners made for us based on last week's 1 rep max.  Back did ok, hamstring not as well.  When I finished my lifts (started at 35lbs, up to 70ish), the coaches started getting folks set into heats for the WoD.  I pulled one aside and told him that my back was hurting and asked if I could just make up the lifts I'd "missed" from earlier in the week (I have a 2x a week class package, and my school schedule has prevented me from doing Monday or Tuesday).  He took a look at my sheet and said "sure."

Self-advocacy.....holy crap.  When it works and works well, it's magic.  I went to one of the racks in the back of the gym and did my presses as outlined on the spreadsheet.  Got an awesome workout.  Had another coach watch my form and chat with me a bit.  He asked me what I was working on and how I was doing.  I told him that I was initially going to do deadlifts but my back was bothering me.  He told me that I made a good choice to not do DL's with my back giving me problems.  Wow.  There are reasons why I love CF....and last night was one of those days.

I'm going back tonight because I have a schedule conflict with the Friday class (in honesty....I'm gaming in a RIFTS game....my priorities are special sometimes, but I love this game).  Thursdays are open nights for folks to work on skills, do metcons on their own, or make up workouts.  I'm going to go in, warm up carefully, and do my lifts.  I'm supposed to do DL's and back squat workouts from the spreadsheet....a little concerned about this with my pulled hamstring (which I probably should get checked out from the campus clinic....but I hate going over there when they tell me stuff I already know).

We'll see what happens.  Hopefully Jon doesn't have to deal with cranky then Vicodin-laden Casey tonight :-P  He's been a goodly bf.  I feel bad sometimes....but he's known me since I moved here and none of the fracture-related stuff is new.

Current Mood: accomplished